It's only 25 days until Halloween, and if I want to be anything sexy, I'm going to have to really commit to my diet. I looked at what Jessica Alba did to lose baby weight, and basically she's eating 1200 calories a day and burning 500.

So 300 calories 4 times a day. 300 in the morning (or 150 and 150), 300 in the late afternoon, 300 immediately after my workout, 300 a couple hours later (when I get hungry again, usually 9 or 10)

On weekends or nights when I drink, I just cut out the last meal and replace with UP TO SIXXXXX vodka sodas!! God, best drink ever. That's def why I haven't gotten fat. Beer MUST go. No matter what I feel like in the fall, vodka soda is the only thing I should drink.

And maybe diet pills. I'm not above that. Hah. The most important thing is how I look naked.

So I'm thinking:
Monday: Bike and Zumba
Tuesday: Kickboxing, Butts Guts and Thighs (RH)
Wednesday: Run and Zumba
Thursday: Yoga (RH)
Friday: Wild card?

The most important thing is burning 500 calories a day.

End of the Carrboro music fest. J is studying all night long. I'm bored. I know we need nights apart, and I've already annoyed him past my limit for the day, so I'm letting him do his thing. But I'm bored as shit and I want to fuck.

I really want plastic surgery. Bigger boobs and lipo. Just a thought.

Still bored.

Ok, I decided last night: No matter how much he frustrates me, I love everything about him. I can't help it. Just everything about him is so perfect, so exactly what I want. Yesterday he was wearing these little leather slippers and he was shuffling around his room- it reminded me of Papi Bear. And then I thought about how Papi Bear loved Mama Mia. He was so in love with her, and he misses her every day. When I was younger, I used to think that he thought she was annoying, but now I know that was just his odd way of showing affection. I want my own papi bear, a slightly gruff manly man whose only weakness is me.

I told him I loved him. And I'm going to keep doing it, whenever I feel like it. He needs to hear it. It's sad to me that he doesn't really believe in love. I guess his parents didn't say it to him a lot when he was young. I know love can happen instantly, but I also know that love can build over time. I think if he hears me say it, he'll become more comfortable with the idea.

Ahhh I'm getting so antsy!

I had my period last week. But I didn't tell J. So as far as he knows, I've been free and clear for days. I got a cold on Sunday, so I've been sick for the last 3 nights. But we haven't had sex since Thursday!

I just don't know if there's something wrong with me, or if he's just like this in general.

Oy I hate being sick.

I'm pretty sure we made up last night. Greatest sex ever, pretty sure I came twice. Always a good thing Afterwards, we were just lying there; he gets really hot so I try not to cuddle up too much. He turned to me and asked me if it was worth the separation. "It"? Did the make up make the fighting worth it? Yes. I think that's what he was really asking anyway. And I'm very much pleased with the answer.

I can already see myself becoming more unpopular, not because of anything I've done, but because I don't have the energy to pursue popularity. Going out all the time and always having to hang out and catch up with people... it's exhausting! I'd rather start slow. G is over at Blue Horn right now with A. They totally love each other. Good for her, but I just hope she doesn't develop serious feelings for him. He's nice, but I don't trust him, and I just don't want to see G cry. As long as she never cries over him, I'm ok. But he should be more careful.

It's 6 and I still haven't done my property reading. Oy I am so bad.

Huge post that just got erased. Cliffs Notes version:

Regardless of what happens in May, I love J. and I want to be with him. I felt insecure, and took it wayyy too far. My goal now is to apologize with my actions, because I want to say it 1000 times with my words. And if I want to say I love you, I will. So there.

Hitting so many walls with J. Sometimes I want to love him forever, sometimes I think he doesn't care about me at all. Last weekend and this one were rough. Super rough. And it's been making me depressed when I shouldn't be.

He doesn't like me when I drink. I love to party. That's mainly the problem. What will we do????

Not happy right now. And I should be.

I can't even believe that cliques are already forming. And I guess I could persue these girls, try to make them my biffsies, but I really don't want to. They seem kind of middle school to already be sitting at the library table together every day. Maybe I feel this way because I'm on the outside? Probs, but it doesn't make it any less gay. Oh, and my head is swimming. So much focusing is already just making me a puddle of mush. I really do want to go to the beach this weekend, just so I can sit outside in the sun and not think. Well, if no beach then absolutely pool time.

And idk about A. We'll have to see how this one plays out.

Oh my GOD so many hotties in law school! It's a good thing that I have a boyfriend, because otherwise I'd be all about hooking up with these boys. Ahhh it's so bad, A. is such SUCH a hottie. So fine. And he seems to be talking to me a lot, hanging out with me a lot. I mean, if I didn't know any better (and if he wasn't so hot), I'd think that he was kind of crushing me. Probably not. but he did hook up with G. last night. And to be honest, I think I'm starting to be hotter than her. Not to be mean or anything, I'm just saying.

Besides that, I think law school is going to ROCK. I know that it's going to be hard, but I think I'm going to love it.

Diet- doing good, I think I lost a little bit during orientation.

All is well in my world. I think I might brake up with J. Maybe. I just don't want to be exclusive anymore.

Watching the Olympics right now, and it's sad to admit that I'm a little disappointed with the gymnastics showings (both men and women). I mean, I understand it's arcane, but I can't override my American sense of entitlement, especially where Olympics are concerned. We're the fucking US of A! We should win gold in every event that matters! And we should absolutely NOT struggle with gold (have it for a rotation or two) and then drop the ball! We're fucking American Olympians! The absolute best athletes that our country has to offer, and we let the gold slip? Ehh, whatever, I guess we can blame the Chinese choosing Olympians at birth and training them up. At least we still do it the old fashioned way- stage parents